Sydney Sweeney: What's Her Deal? Is She Hot?
Sydney Sweeney. Lots of people talking about her these days. Well I’m gonna talk about her, too. I want to know what all the fuss is about. Maybe I’ll get to know her a little better by the end of this, who knows.
To be perfectly honest, I know next to nothing about this woman. Here’s everything I know about her: she is blonde; she has blue eyes; she is on a show called Euophoria that I have never watched; she once did a blue jeans commercial for American Eagle that was very obviously a nazi dog whistle; she might be bimbo enough to not have realized said advertisement was a nazi dog whistle; she has HUGE bazongas; everyone talks about how hot she is (but is she?); and most importantly, her breast’s are big. Oh, and she’s got boobs. Has anyone else noticed this? That’s literally all I know.
The other thing I know is that conservative men really seem to like her, apparently because she is a blonde-haired, blue-eyed, big-breasted woman. Reigning theories run that such men who like her want to retvrn to tradition: namely, the tradition of aryan women and mommy’s milkies. Just like the good ol’ days. Sydney Sweeney represents what “they” took from men, or something. Finally, a real, traditionally hot woman in Hollywood! They don’t make ‘em like that anymore, that’s for sure. Hot women are back, and they are buxom. Now real, traditional men can regress—I mean, retvrn—as well.
So for starters the main thing I want to know is this: is Sydney Sweeney hot? Lots of people say she is, but is she really? Many people who say she’s hot cite her big honkers, her natural blonde hair, and her ample bosom. Sure, these are all conventional measures of “hotness.” I’m not saying they’re not hot. But let’s be honest for a moment and think. Envision in your mind a random person with the following qualities: blonde, wears jeans, absolutely stacked, a little ditzy, blue eyes, famous, a mother-figure to some, and men froth at the mouth over her. Try to imagine what this hypothetical person looks like.
Did you picture Sydney Sweeney? Predictable. (Oh, you have aphantasia and didn’t picture her because you objectively couldn’t? Don’t pretend you didn’t still believe I was describing her, your imageless brain doesn’t get you out of this one!) I was actually describing Marianne Butterbop, a woman I just made up right now, who is actually super uggo and the frothing men have in fact been poisoned by her. (Honestly now that I’ve fleshed her character out more I kinda love her. Queen shit.) Just goes to show not everyone fits into our little boxes of conventional hotness.
Let’s do another example. Imagine a new hypothetical person: blonde hair, wears pants sometimes, blue eyes, bimboesque, bodacious, kind of a bombshell, well-endowed in the chest, basically a celebrity, many people call her mommy, and men go gaga for her. I’ll give you a few more moments to really get a clear vision of this theoretical person in your mind. (We’re not doing this right now, aphantasia-havers. Just google search that string of descriptors and look at the image results or something. It’s not my job to educate you about what your imagination looks like.)
Oh, did you think I was talking about Sydney Sweeney again? You would think that, wouldn’t you? But unfortunately for you, you couldn’t be more incorrect. I was actually describing me—Jamie Barne. So you were actually really close, but kind of dead wrong if you think about it.
That’s right. Sydney Sweeney and I are perfect lookalikes—basically twins. But there are a few key differences (and this is where we get to answering our question: is Sydney Sweeney hot?). For starters, Sydney Sweeney? Her boobs are nice, but they’re just ok compared to mine. My boobs are perky and perfect. Flawless. Round and cute. The only even remotely detectable defect is the beauty mark on my right breast, which actually adds to their overall allure. In a word: my boobs are really great, like a World Wonder you have to see to believe.
So, is Sydney Sweeney hot? Some say yes. I also say yes. But she’s not as hot as me, on account of her boobs not being as perfect as mine. Yeah, I said it. If you’re reading this, Sydney Sweeney, my boobs are superior to yours. If you have a problem with that, I dare you to come over and we can compare them side by side.
Let’s settle this once and for all.
Jamie Barne